Naïveté: Love At 19

letter to my first love, 10.17.2008

I’m done fixing our relationship. Fixing is stating what is wrong, why it’s wrong, and demanding a change. I promise to support you and our relationship. Supporting is allowing each other to make our own choices and being there for each other if things go wrong. Fixing is forcing us to do things my way when yours doesn’t work. Supporting is sharing your needs with me and trusting me that I will take them into account. Fixing is nagging. Supporting is nurturing. Fixing is anger when things get rough. Supporting is knowing that things will get better. Supporting is seeing you exactly as you are and accepting it. Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When someone is in love, they must not doubt, judge, or fear. You are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love…without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse them. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fit what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix.  I’ve looked at myself and realized that I haven’t been doing the best job at accepting you for who you are or supporting you. I’m working on that part of me and I promise that I will do my best to support you and accept you. I’m also here to let you know that I’m laying everything back out on the line….my feelings, my heart, my soul…and I’m trusting you with them. I want that feeling of vulnerability, yet also feel secure that you will not abuse my vulnerability. I want to grow old with you…happily, and I believe in order to do so, you needed to hear those words from me.I love you baby!

Yes, I'm Black.

I love finding random writings on my computer...

I love being black despite living in a society that wants me to be everything but. 

Being a young black woman born in America
and raised in the South has made me more aware of the skin I’m in.
And at the peak of this awareness, I have fallen so deep in love with my skin.
There’s nothing else that I would rather be.
My culture. My heritage. My history. My skin.
The history behind who am and what it means to be black fills my spirit with pride.
The things that my ancestors went through so that I can be in the position that I am today..
A young, black, educated woman with the right to vote only names a few…
When my future child asks me if they can be the president of their country,  
I can say with conviction: "Yes, baby, you can!"
I live my life everyday in a society that makes it hard for people like me to succeed.
Luckily, I’m no stranger to hard work.
My culture; which has influenced so many other races.
From the music, traditions, style of dress, our soulful cooking, and mannerisms. 
Our diversity, variety of complexions.
I could go on and on


Even at the tender age of 23, I have experienced discrimination, been called out of my name, and judged because of the color of my skin. Fortunately, I don’t entertain ignorance.  Yes, I’m black. You mad? Pray about it. 

Dreams

I’ve always dreamt of being a Publicist and Graphic Designer.  I went to school for 4.5 years in pursuit of this dream. Now I am here; 4 months post-grad and debating what if I should go back to school for Accounting or Counseling. What. The. Hell. I’m not meant to be an accountant. Or a teacher. Or a counselor. So what the hell am I doing, right? All my life I’ve known that I was meant to be a Publicist and Graphic Designer. After a much needed wake up call, I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid to succeed and actually live my dreams. This fear is multiplied by the fact that I feel I am not qualified or knowledge enough to live out my dream. I feel that if I own the title of "Brandi Heath, Publicist & Graphic Designer”,  I will somehow be fooling others into thinking I am more than what I am. I feel like I would fail.

But the hard truth is that I am qualified. No, I don’t know everything about PR, nor have I mastered every single Adobe application. But I am skilled in some areas. I shouldn’t feel like this after studying and practicing my craft on a regular basis for all these years. I’ve got to be more confident in myself.

And I have to start somewhere. No one was born with all the knowledge they needed to succeed. It was gained over time. I feel that it’s time for me to step out on a ledge and finally take that leap towards my dream. I’d hate myself if I didn’t. 


-Brandi, Dream Chaser

Fifty Shades Fooled

Unsurprisingly, I have been indulging in the new “it” book series, Fifty Shades. Several friends and I have been reading and discussing these books. Through these discussions, I have come to two conclusions. 1. This is a damn good read. 2. This series, based on the 2/3 books I’ve finished, is targeted to the type of woman I’d like to call “The Healer”. 


“The Healer” is the woman who sees a man not for what he is, but for the potential he has to be a better him. She wants to help him see this potential like she sees it and wants to be that person to change him into that better guy. 


And I’m not here to judge those types of women, hell I’ve foolishly been that person before; trying to turn a pauper into a prince.  Trying to change a man.  I‘m here to throw out a little advice…. NOT GON’ HAPPEN! *NewNew Voice* 


I think this series is definitely a great read, but could possibly give hope to those women that think they can change a man. A man is not going to change until he is ready. Do not fall for the foolishness that E. L. James is serving you. He is not going to miraculously change overnight. You can motivate him, try to talk to get to the root of the issues, fight with him, but none of that is going to work in the real world unless he, himself, is ready to become a better man.


All opinion everything. What do you think?

I Wonder

I feel disconnected. From my surroundings and many of the people in it. I feel stagnant. It's ironic that I am feeling this way amidst the approach of one of the greatest achievements of my life; I'm 3 months from graduating from college. I don't know where I'm headed, but I do know some things. I know who I am, I know where I want to be, and I know where I don't want to be. 

I always have this thought: If I were to die today, what legacy would I leave behind? Who's life did I change? What contributions did I make during my time on this earth? Did I waste away the time that God so graciously gave me?

Sometimes I feel like I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential. Like I said, I know where I wanna be and what it takes to get there. Sometimes I just scare myself with my lack of drive I have to just get up and do it. Sometimes I wonder if it's just my fear of actually succeeding that holds me back. Sometimes I wonder about a lot of things.