Quarter Life Crisis.

I wanna travel to countries thousands of miles away and soak up the culture. Go to indie concerts, music and film festivals. View art museums with the intellectuals. Go to fashion shows and sit on the front row while serving face for the cameras. I wanna ride the tallest roller coaster in the world, skydive, bungee jump, and tell myself how great it was and that I'll never do that shit again. Then I wanna dine at lots of those "they have amazing food and nobody knows about it" restaurants. Visit exotic islands and beaches so I can play in the sun as if I don't have photosensitive skin. I wanna go to one of those posh lounges in an expensive city and have an unforgettably drunken night with lots of picture-taking so we can reminisce but not post on Instagram.   And I wanna share those moments with the best set of friends a girl can have. Until then, I'll continue to watch my marathon of Greys Anatomy on Netflix, eating leftover pizza by myself, while searching for better job and career leads in the midst of my post-grad quarter life crisis. Sigh.

Dope II: Overdose

While the rest of my friends in high school were smoking weed, drinking, and popping pills, I wrote poems about him and thought about how good his last name looked next to my first. See, love was always my drug of choice.

It's much more addictive. I thought one gram of love could outweigh every pound of pain dropped on my heart. I was always chasing after my next fix. Being in love was such a rush, but inside it was killing me. It became toxic. Eating away at who I knew myself to be.

Love leaves scars. Looking in the mirror, I was scarred beyond recognition. Confused at what I saw. Half blind and half afraid. I convinced myself to take one last hit of my drug.

But this time I couldn't handle it. Fragile and weak, my heart stopped. My eyes wide and blank. My soul dark and empty. Love bled my body dry. Overdosing on the one thing in this world that made me feel alive. How ironic.

Revelation.

You can't always play the victim when it comes to life's tragedies. Sometimes you play a role in the birth of your own sadness. Others aren't always to blame.

Prayer.

I've been through my share of BS. Ups and downs. Emotional traumas. Especially when it comes to relationships. When I care, I care deeply. When I love, I love unconditionally. This usually leaves me hurt, which I am beyond fed up with. In the midst of a fresh emotional wound, I broke down. I prayed everyday. Asking for clarity and answers. On the last day of my week of prayers, I let go. I left all of my troubles and pain in that last prayer. I promised that from that point I would be worry free. I opened my eyes clear minded and confident in the fact that He would bless me. I know He has put me to this test for a reason and I know that each heartbreak was a lesson. I know that one day He'll place a wonderful, god fearing man in my life and I smile at the thought of it.

Naïveté: Love At 19

letter to my first love, 10.17.2008

I’m done fixing our relationship. Fixing is stating what is wrong, why it’s wrong, and demanding a change. I promise to support you and our relationship. Supporting is allowing each other to make our own choices and being there for each other if things go wrong. Fixing is forcing us to do things my way when yours doesn’t work. Supporting is sharing your needs with me and trusting me that I will take them into account. Fixing is nagging. Supporting is nurturing. Fixing is anger when things get rough. Supporting is knowing that things will get better. Supporting is seeing you exactly as you are and accepting it. Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When someone is in love, they must not doubt, judge, or fear. You are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love…without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse them. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fit what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix.  I’ve looked at myself and realized that I haven’t been doing the best job at accepting you for who you are or supporting you. I’m working on that part of me and I promise that I will do my best to support you and accept you. I’m also here to let you know that I’m laying everything back out on the line….my feelings, my heart, my soul…and I’m trusting you with them. I want that feeling of vulnerability, yet also feel secure that you will not abuse my vulnerability. I want to grow old with you…happily, and I believe in order to do so, you needed to hear those words from me.I love you baby!

Yes, I'm Black.

I love finding random writings on my computer...

I love being black despite living in a society that wants me to be everything but. 

Being a young black woman born in America
and raised in the South has made me more aware of the skin I’m in.
And at the peak of this awareness, I have fallen so deep in love with my skin.
There’s nothing else that I would rather be.
My culture. My heritage. My history. My skin.
The history behind who am and what it means to be black fills my spirit with pride.
The things that my ancestors went through so that I can be in the position that I am today..
A young, black, educated woman with the right to vote only names a few…
When my future child asks me if they can be the president of their country,  
I can say with conviction: "Yes, baby, you can!"
I live my life everyday in a society that makes it hard for people like me to succeed.
Luckily, I’m no stranger to hard work.
My culture; which has influenced so many other races.
From the music, traditions, style of dress, our soulful cooking, and mannerisms. 
Our diversity, variety of complexions.
I could go on and on


Even at the tender age of 23, I have experienced discrimination, been called out of my name, and judged because of the color of my skin. Fortunately, I don’t entertain ignorance.  Yes, I’m black. You mad? Pray about it. 

Dreams

I’ve always dreamt of being a Publicist and Graphic Designer.  I went to school for 4.5 years in pursuit of this dream. Now I am here; 4 months post-grad and debating what if I should go back to school for Accounting or Counseling. What. The. Hell. I’m not meant to be an accountant. Or a teacher. Or a counselor. So what the hell am I doing, right? All my life I’ve known that I was meant to be a Publicist and Graphic Designer. After a much needed wake up call, I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid to succeed and actually live my dreams. This fear is multiplied by the fact that I feel I am not qualified or knowledge enough to live out my dream. I feel that if I own the title of "Brandi Heath, Publicist & Graphic Designer”,  I will somehow be fooling others into thinking I am more than what I am. I feel like I would fail.

But the hard truth is that I am qualified. No, I don’t know everything about PR, nor have I mastered every single Adobe application. But I am skilled in some areas. I shouldn’t feel like this after studying and practicing my craft on a regular basis for all these years. I’ve got to be more confident in myself.

And I have to start somewhere. No one was born with all the knowledge they needed to succeed. It was gained over time. I feel that it’s time for me to step out on a ledge and finally take that leap towards my dream. I’d hate myself if I didn’t. 


-Brandi, Dream Chaser

Fifty Shades Fooled

Unsurprisingly, I have been indulging in the new “it” book series, Fifty Shades. Several friends and I have been reading and discussing these books. Through these discussions, I have come to two conclusions. 1. This is a damn good read. 2. This series, based on the 2/3 books I’ve finished, is targeted to the type of woman I’d like to call “The Healer”. 


“The Healer” is the woman who sees a man not for what he is, but for the potential he has to be a better him. She wants to help him see this potential like she sees it and wants to be that person to change him into that better guy. 


And I’m not here to judge those types of women, hell I’ve foolishly been that person before; trying to turn a pauper into a prince.  Trying to change a man.  I‘m here to throw out a little advice…. NOT GON’ HAPPEN! *NewNew Voice* 


I think this series is definitely a great read, but could possibly give hope to those women that think they can change a man. A man is not going to change until he is ready. Do not fall for the foolishness that E. L. James is serving you. He is not going to miraculously change overnight. You can motivate him, try to talk to get to the root of the issues, fight with him, but none of that is going to work in the real world unless he, himself, is ready to become a better man.


All opinion everything. What do you think?

I Wonder

I feel disconnected. From my surroundings and many of the people in it. I feel stagnant. It's ironic that I am feeling this way amidst the approach of one of the greatest achievements of my life; I'm 3 months from graduating from college. I don't know where I'm headed, but I do know some things. I know who I am, I know where I want to be, and I know where I don't want to be. 

I always have this thought: If I were to die today, what legacy would I leave behind? Who's life did I change? What contributions did I make during my time on this earth? Did I waste away the time that God so graciously gave me?

Sometimes I feel like I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential. Like I said, I know where I wanna be and what it takes to get there. Sometimes I just scare myself with my lack of drive I have to just get up and do it. Sometimes I wonder if it's just my fear of actually succeeding that holds me back. Sometimes I wonder about a lot of things. 

Random Rant 7/4

I actually sat to myself and thought...why should i be ashamed that my emotions are attached to sexual acts. Why would I pride myself on being able to have sex with a person with no type of emotional attachment? Attached.  Whatever. Call me what you want. Label me what you please, but i know who I am. Im a very emotionally connected, loving individual. And sex is just one of the many ways I express that. Should I change who I am just to fit the standard that everyone else has set for such a beautiful act? just so I won't be labeled as Attached? hell no. my body is much more valuable than that. my values consist of much more than that. If emotionless sex is all you have to offer me. Sir, keep it moving.  

“If I can only have a piece of you, then I gotta say peace to you…”

Retrospect

there's no vision more clear than 
hindsight.
you know, 
not seeing things for what they could be, but 
seeing things for what they were. 
blinded by my fanciful daydreams of what could be...
caught up in the possibilities. 
hindsight quickly corrected my vision of reality. 
bittersweet, it was.


-B

Random Rant 11/3

There are a million words too describe emotions
And you wonder why I choose to use these words to do so
Why not just SPEAK how I feel, right?
But this challenges me…the outcome, I don’t know
I just choose to use my words to expand my knowledge
Of being able to express myself from a different outlet
Besides my mouth
You ever take the time to read a letter
That speaks the same words as a speech
But it touches you on another level as your
Eyes move across each word
Almost like reading a break-up letter
The words knock you down one by one
You have to go back and read again to make sure this is real
Yea, spoken words just don’t always have that effect you see
Especially with people who don’t take the time to listen
I know you hear me , but are you listening
These written words force you to listen, ya know.
Makes you experience those feelings on a different level
But, on the other hand, everyone doesn’t always have a way with words.
-B

10 Things I Want To Say To 10 People

(in no particular order)

1. From the day I laid eyes on you I knew we would be getting to know each other outside of that class. I've never met someone who intrigued me as much as you and that is a hell of a statement to make coming from me. You mean a lot to me and I hope you know that. I miss you. I miss the friendship.  I miss the music. I miss the poetry. You left without saying anything. It hurt. (JBB)

2.  It makes me so mad when you allow people to walk over you. In order to get what you deserve out of life, you have to stand up for yourself. You pray about your situations I'm sure, and I can see God blessing you with "opportunities" for growth, but it seems that you don't take advantage of those opportunities. You keep letting people get in the way and blocking your blessing. I just want you to succeed...(RMW)

3. Growing up I always worried about the man you would become. I always wondered what would be important to you and what elements you would allow to influence you throughout life. I'm proud to say that you are  headed in a positive direction. Just talking to you, even when we're just joking around, gives me confirmation that you are going to be great man. I love you so much! (SCH)

4.  I wrote a poem about you once. About the situation you put me through...us through. I'm sure you know I forgave you a while ago. Our relationship is better, not the best, but better. One day I'm going to let you read that poem. It's not meant to hurt you. I just want you to understand because I've been quiet too long.  I want you to know how I felt..because just like I never spoke about it...you never asked... (CSH)

5.  Who ever said males and females couldn't be JUST friends lied because we are living proof. You've been there for me a lot throughout the years and I wanna thank you. Never would I have thought that I would be so close to that lil dude I met in 7th grade.  You still owe me some Monday's, but I'm sure you know that already.  (SCP)

6. We were like siblings when we were younger. I miss that man. Like the big brother I never had. It kinda sucks that we only speak about twice a year. Gotta change that asap. (TDS)

7. When I first heard your music I fell in love. You were my future husband even though you didn't know it lol. You were weird...like me. And you weren't afraid to share that with people. I liked that. But then I was devestasted when I found out you did cocaine. It pretty much was a wrap from there. Recently you revealed that you are drug-free. I still haven't listened to any more of your music...but I plan on changing that....as soon as I get passed the fact that resemble this guy that I hate, but that's another story. (SRSM)

8. The way we came to be as got to be the most random story in the world. Our friendship is beyond odd in it's own special ways. Just so you know, I don't throw around the word friend  loosely.   (GDW)

9. Our future scares me sometimes. In an anxious kind of way.  (DOC)

10. Wow. Um, I still think about it...that summer. You know that. I cried as you left. I hope you didn't notice though. G's don't cry in front of people lol. Sometimes I wonder if you think about it....what you thought.....the randomness of how all of that came to be. Why me, ya know? I wanted to ask all of that while we were talking on the couch. I was hoping you saw it in my eyes or could read my thoughts or something....(TRM)

ambition.

i had the longest conversation yesterday about how my motivational spirit had been lost recently due to unforeseen events. i was mentally stepping back into July 2010. i slept on it. i prayed. today i awakened clear-minded. refusing to allow myself to become who i was 10 months ago. i am not her. i will be relentless in my efforts to reach my goals. i am a go-getter. i will not let misfortunate events impose their negativity on me. i will not allow that to defeat me. i am stronger than that.

i am motivated.

Can I Be Great???

I always considered myself to be a humble individual, but evidently that’s not the vibe I give off to some others. Apparently, people think.. that I think… I’m “the shit”. I kinda laugh when I hear this because people will say they WANT you to be great….but they don’t want you to SAY you’re great. If I don’t think I’m “the bee's knees”, who will, right? Who am I to wait for validation of my phenomenality from someone else, right? I’m not afraid to say that I’m phenomenal, but don‘t misinterpret that as me being braggadocious. Yes, I do think I am a great person. Perfect? No. Better than you? That’s not for me to judge. As blunt as this may sound, I honestly believe people are shocked by my confidence and that confidence sometimes interferes with their insecurities. Thus, leading them to feel some type of way about me and claiming ..”Girl…she think she the shit!” Well girl…yea, sometimes I do.  Does that bother you? 

Put On Your Big Girl Panties!

As a woman in this world, it bothers me so much to be around other “women” who don’t know how to properly communicate with one another. Women will take the smallest, pettiest thing and blow it out of proportion when the problem could have been solved with a simple conversation. I’m a communicator. I’ll be damned if I walk around with a chip on my shoulder about anything. If I feel some type of way, it’ll get addressed…properly. Without an attitude, yelling or raising my voice. And that goes for any issue with anyone. 

We, as women, are naturally emotional if we like to admit it or not. I know that the simplest thing can set us off….be it that some female looked at you “the wrong way” or that someone’s remarks offended you.  It’s like, from jump, we’ll have an attitude when that girl MAY NOT have been looking at you or that no harm was meant by those remarks. If you feel offended or something bothered you , all you have to do is put on ya big girl draws and talk about it like an adult. Plain and simple. Swallow that pride, and COMMUNICATE!

Leaves, Branches, and Roots

I wanted this post to be a lot of things. Topics of friends, relationships, companionships, and the like. Past and Present. It slowly all boiled down to this. Leaves, Branches, and Roots.


Several people in my life, you know...the temporary kind, have been those leaves. They are there in abundance, but only stay for a season or two. With one strong gust of wind, they're gone. Never to be heard from again. That used to bother me, but I had to come to realize that every person that steps into my life isn't meant to remain there for a lifetime. Like leaves, they are just seasonal. Some placed in my life to help show me something important along  my journey or just simply passing by.


The branches have to be the worst. Such a false sense of security, they lead you to believe that they are there for the long haul, but that's never the case. Just as fast as you lean on that branch for support, it'll break. I'v had people in my life that I thought would be there for me without a second thought in my mind..'cause I was there for them, ya know. Well when it was my turn for support they were no where to be found. Lesson learned. 


Roots. A tree only needs a few roots to give it what it needs to survive. I have those roots. God. My family and loved ones. My very close circle of friends. Without a doubt in my mind, I know they're there for me and will always be.


Find out who your roots are and cherish them....everybody else just doesn't matter.

-B

Don't Judge Me

Before I even decided that I would tell the story, I assumed I would be judged. I had never told anyone the truth about it. No one. Only bits and pieces that I felt I wouldn't put me in such a bad light. But this time, I felt as if I should finally let someone know what really happened during that 6 months. I paced around my bedroom as my roommate sat and waited for me to start. As usual, trying to make light of the story I was about to tell. I said, “Girl, don’t judge me”. 


I started rambling, trying to remember all of the details chronologically. It was hard, being as I had put so much effort in blocking it all out. I continued to pace and looked my ceiling trying to get it out. She listened intently. I would glance over to see her reaction every time I would get to a part that would make me cringe. I was searching for that judgment in her facial expressions. About 30 minutes had passed and I was still rambling. Opening up like this was just not in my character, but I still felt as though it was necessary to finally tell that truth…as if it would relieve my conscious of all the half-truths I had told before. 


Then I got towards the end of my story. Revealing how lonely I felt in the midst of my shit, how I never told anyone what I went through. I stopped pacing and stared at the ceiling for a moment. Tears welled up in my eyes and felt them slide down my face. I was angry with myself for allowing that situation to still affect me in that way…I was embarrassed that I was crying in front of her. I felt weak. I wiped the tears away as quickly as they fell. I ended the story and looked at her to see her reaction…waiting for the judgmental comments.


“[Brooklyn], I actually think that showed how strong you were.”


Out of all of the things that could have been said, that was the last thing I expected. I was slightly confused by it and wanted to know what would make a person think that after everything I had shared.


“Well, for a person to deal with something like that for so long by themselves and be able to talk about it now makes them a pretty strong person.”


I had to let it sink in. Thinking to myself, I did go through it alone.....but I got through it. 

Friends of the Opposite Sex

Friends of the opposite sex….while in a relationship. For some, this is a major issue. Why? For 2 major reasons (comment if you feel that I overlooked one).


1. Insecurities/Jealousy. This is the number one reason why both men and women have problems with their significant others being friends with someone of the opposite sex. They feel threatened by that friendship. I can admit that I was that type of girlfriend before and let me say, it is not a good “headspace” to be in. Not only does it show lack of trust, but it will drive you crazy over-analyzing every little detail of that situation. If you put that much effort into wondering if your girlfriend/boyfriend’s “opposite sex friendships” are more than just friendships, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. In it’s simplest form, the only difference between friendships and relationships is intimacy, so yes, I can understand the territorial instinct to want your significant other to yourself and want that unique bond/closeness. Maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend has been friends with this person for 10 years and you’ve only been together with him/her for 1 year and you feel you have to compete for that attention or compete with that higher level of bond that they have…that’s all a part of you feeling insecure within that situation.  If you feel some type of way, address it PROPERLY, but  at the end of the day, who are you to TELL your significant other they can’t  be friends with someone of the opposite sex, let along hang with or talk to other males/females? That’s something that is going to naturally occur in everyday life. 


2. People actually believe that men and women can’t be JUST friends. I neverrrr understood that! I can personally speak on this matter. I have several good, male friends that I talk to almost everyday, including one  my closest friends…neither of which I have EVER been inclined to move past anything more than a friendship with... Never. Love em to death, but do I think about them beyond our platonic friendship? Negative.  And I’m 100% sure they would say the same. 


Now I would address the significant factor of “cheating” in this post because, of course, that could possibly play a role in the situation, but that’s a whole ‘nother rant.  Nonetheless, how do you feel about your significant other having friends of the opposite sex? Do you think there should be “guidelines” in place, do you not care because you trust your significant other 100%? What are your thoughts?
Comment below!!

Vent Session!

I have a little too say about a lot of things….so just let me vent.


A Bit of a Bitch (and no, I don’t care if that word offends you)
        Yea, I can be a bit of a bitch and I know it. I would apologize for using that vernacular, but I don’t apologize for things that I meant to say.  I’m opinionated. Go figure. I have a slight problem with keeping that opinion to myself. Why do I consider it a problem, you ask? Because not every human being is built to handle a person, like myself, with such a strong opinion. They’ll get offended, they’ll claim that you always think you’re right, they’ll say you hurt their feelings, and they‘ll even go so far as to say “omg, she‘s such a bitch“.  Wow, well, I’m sorry that you allowed my “opinion” to effect you on such a great level….okay, maybe I’m not sorry.


Word is Bond
        When people tell me that they’re going to do something, I have this terrible habit of actually believing them. Sucks for me, right? I swear I feel like people have never heard the phrase “word is bond”. Guess that’s irrelevant now that it’s 2011 and all. 


P.S.
        Period Symptoms. It seems that I’ve been blessed with the world’s worst mood swings. They’re to blame for this post.
#OkBye