Dope II: Overdose

While the rest of my friends in high school were smoking weed, drinking, and popping pills, I wrote poems about him and thought about how good his last name looked next to my first. See, love was always my drug of choice.

It's much more addictive. I thought one gram of love could outweigh every pound of pain dropped on my heart. I was always chasing after my next fix. Being in love was such a rush, but inside it was killing me. It became toxic. Eating away at who I knew myself to be.

Love leaves scars. Looking in the mirror, I was scarred beyond recognition. Confused at what I saw. Half blind and half afraid. I convinced myself to take one last hit of my drug.

But this time I couldn't handle it. Fragile and weak, my heart stopped. My eyes wide and blank. My soul dark and empty. Love bled my body dry. Overdosing on the one thing in this world that made me feel alive. How ironic.

Revelation.

You can't always play the victim when it comes to life's tragedies. Sometimes you play a role in the birth of your own sadness. Others aren't always to blame.

Prayer.

I've been through my share of BS. Ups and downs. Emotional traumas. Especially when it comes to relationships. When I care, I care deeply. When I love, I love unconditionally. This usually leaves me hurt, which I am beyond fed up with. In the midst of a fresh emotional wound, I broke down. I prayed everyday. Asking for clarity and answers. On the last day of my week of prayers, I let go. I left all of my troubles and pain in that last prayer. I promised that from that point I would be worry free. I opened my eyes clear minded and confident in the fact that He would bless me. I know He has put me to this test for a reason and I know that each heartbreak was a lesson. I know that one day He'll place a wonderful, god fearing man in my life and I smile at the thought of it.

Naïveté: Love At 19

letter to my first love, 10.17.2008

I’m done fixing our relationship. Fixing is stating what is wrong, why it’s wrong, and demanding a change. I promise to support you and our relationship. Supporting is allowing each other to make our own choices and being there for each other if things go wrong. Fixing is forcing us to do things my way when yours doesn’t work. Supporting is sharing your needs with me and trusting me that I will take them into account. Fixing is nagging. Supporting is nurturing. Fixing is anger when things get rough. Supporting is knowing that things will get better. Supporting is seeing you exactly as you are and accepting it. Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When someone is in love, they must not doubt, judge, or fear. You are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love…without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse them. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fit what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix.  I’ve looked at myself and realized that I haven’t been doing the best job at accepting you for who you are or supporting you. I’m working on that part of me and I promise that I will do my best to support you and accept you. I’m also here to let you know that I’m laying everything back out on the line….my feelings, my heart, my soul…and I’m trusting you with them. I want that feeling of vulnerability, yet also feel secure that you will not abuse my vulnerability. I want to grow old with you…happily, and I believe in order to do so, you needed to hear those words from me.I love you baby!